(Singin’) Balls to your partner;
Ass against the wall.
‘f ye canna’ get laid on Saturday night,
y’ll never get laid at all!

First Verse
Four and twenty virgins
come down from Inverness.
And when the ball was over
there were four and twenty less.

Last Verse
And when the ball was over
the patrons all confessed.
Though the music was exquisite
the fucking was the best! [refrain]

Additional Verses
There was doin’ in the parlor,
there was doin’ on the stones.
Ya couldn’t hear the music
for the wheezin’ and the groans!

The Undertaker, he was there,
Wrapped up in a shroud.
Swingin’ from the chandelier
and pissin’ on the crowd!

The village Cripple he was there,
an’ he could not do much.
So he lined up all the ladies
and he did ’em with his crutch!

The parson’s daughter she was there,
You could see her way up front.
With pretty flowers in her hair,
and a carrot in her cunt!

The village Postman he was there,
the poor man had the pox.
He couldn’t do the ladies,
so he fucked the letter box!

The village Butcher he was there,
two cleavers in his hands.
And every time he turned around
he circumcized a man!

The village Hashers they where there,
boisterous and loud.
Swinging from the chaneliers
and pissing on the crowd!

The village policeman he was there.
Pride of all the force.
He was in the stable,
whankin’ off his horse.

The fire-chief man he was there,
standing proud and tall.
He took his lassie from behind
and put her through a wall!

The Queen was in the pantry,
she was eating bread and honey.
The King was in the Chambermaid,
and she was in the money!

The Bride was in the bedroom
talking to the Groom.
“The front! The front! And not the back
is the entrance to the womb!”

The Groom was in the bedroom
talking to the Bride.
“The shaft! The Shaft! And not the balls
is the part that goes inside!”

There was doin’ in the parlor
there was doin’ on the stairs
You couldn’t see the carpet
for the mass of curly hairs!

The Pregnant lady she was there
how her belly hung.
And every time you ate her out
a hand would grab your tongue!

The village Economist he was there
penis in his hand
waiting for the moment when
supply would meet demand!

The village Magician he was there
he gave us all a laugh.
He pulled his foreskin over his head
and vanished up his ass!

The village Creeper he was there
hid behind a rock.
He spied on all the pretty girls
and came into his sock!

The local herder he was there,
And he began to weep.
All these willing ladies
And not a single sheep.