There once was a girl named Alice,
Who used a dynamite for a phallice.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And her asshole in buckingham palace.
Ay, yi, yi, yi, Your sister does squat thrusts on flagpoles.
So sing me another verse,
That’s worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willy.
There was a chaste maid named Miriah
who succumbed to a lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin
but now that it’s in,
could you shove it a few inches higher?”
An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno,
He said “There’s one thing that I do know:
A woman is fine
And a boy is divine
But a llama is numero uno!”
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl “You’re a tight one”
She replied “Bless my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole!
But there’s plenty of room in the right one!”
A baker who loved baking bread,
She said she much preferred giving head.
But when you explode she don’t swallow your load,
She fills all the cream sticks instead.
Ay, yi, yi, yi, your father refills cream doughnuts.
There once was a girl named Sue,
Who filled up her quim with glue.
She said with a grin if they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out again too.
Ay, yi, yi, yi, I think Susie douches with draino.
There once was a man from Bel-Air
While screwing his wife on the stair
The banister broke so he doubled his stroke
And he finished her off in mid-air.
Ay, yi, yi, yi, Your father is so old he farts dust.
There once was a girl from Madrass
Who had a magnificant ass
Not pretty and pink,
as you might as well think.
It was brown, had long ears, and ate grass!
There once was a man from Bombay.
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
The heat of his prick
Baked the clay into brick,
And wore all his foreskin away!
There once was a man from Iraq.
Who had holes down the length of his cock.
When he got an erection
he could play a selection
from Johann Seb’atian Bach!
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin onto his weenie
So just to be couth
he added vermouth
and slipped his girlfriend a Martini!
There once was a young man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
he folded it double.
And instead of cumming, he went!
There once was a plumber from Lee,
who was plumbing his wife by the sea.
She said, “Stop your plumbing!”
“I think someone’s coming!”
He said “Yes, I know dear. It’s me”!
There once was a young girl from Yew.
Who said as the bishop withdrew.
“Oh, the vicar is thicker,
and slicker, and quicker,
And four inches longer than you!”
There once was a man from Bombay,
who had a nice pubic toupee.
When he’d finished his jerkin’
he’d rinse out his merkin,
And wear it again the next day!
There once was a man from Racine.
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave, or convex –
It could do any sex!
But, oh what a bitch to clean!
A pirate, history relates,
Was scufflin’ with his mates.
He slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and practically useless on dates!
There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
And in stormy weather
they’d clatter together
And lightning’d shoot out of his ass!
There once was a fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of fine grass
sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered in weeds!
There once was a lady from Natches
Who by chance had been born with two snatches
And she would say “Shit!
why, I’d give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches!”
There once was a Rabbi named Keith.
Who circumcised men with his teeth.
It was not for leisure
or sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath!
A lady from South Carolina
Strung fiddle strings ‘cross her vagina.
With proper sized cocks
Sex became Bach’s
Tocata and Fugue in D Minor!
A newlywed couple from Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly
For in their great haste
They’d used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!
There was a lawyer named Rex
Who had very small organs of sex.
But during exposure
He’d say with composure
“De minimus non curat lex.”
There once was a man named O’Doul
Who had little red spots on his tool
His doctor, a cynic
Said “Get out of my clinic!
And wipe off that lipstick, you fool!”
There once was a barmaid from Vale
On her chest wrote the price of an ale
And on her behind
for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braile!
There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
While dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
And woke with a handful of goo!
A dimwitted farm boy named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
His father said “Son!
That’s not the right one!”
Said the boy “But me whole bucket’s full!”
“Oh no!” a mosquito exclaimed,
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of its sorrow
*A Few Inspired By Hashers*
There once was a man named FootThong,
who liked to show hashers his dong.
He whipped out his junk
And it gave off a funk
But he couldn’t smell what was wrong!
A Knighted Breaker of Cunt
had a name that her dad didn’t want.
He said “Make her name
something gentle, and tame”
So now she’s “Princess Buttercunt”
An ape has escaped it’s enclosure,
but it moves with such human composure.
It’s drinking our beer
but there’s nothing to fear
It’s just Hardigan in full-exposure!
A Doctor of Boners, Necrotic,
had an urge that was rather exotic.
She said, “I’m like Jack,
With the dead I shall shack!”
But only Gus found it erotic.